Fiona Haynes: Searching for Connection

I am a Speech and Language Therapist by profession, and have climbed the greasy ladder, with an enduring sense that my small intervention isn’t enough, and it’s the system that needs to change. However, now firmly at the system level, the change is disenchantingly slow and I miss people. 

I had my first, and currently only, child in January 2023. While the pregnancy itself was unremarkable, I found that my experience of the care was not ideal. By the end of the process, I was saying things like ‘of course I have high blood pressure, it’s because I am currently having an argument with you!’ (usually to a particularly unpersonable obstetrician). 

 A week after the birth, I was told on a call that if I didn’t take my baby to A&E, then it would be a safeguarding (early feeding struggles). I refused, as they couldn’t give me clinical rationale for the decision and couldn’t say how the benefits would outweigh the risk (it was -2 outside, there was RSV and COVID in the Alex ward and the break in the forming routine would have been detrimental to establishing her feeding). 

After an hour or so of being exceedingly upset, I got angry. If I, as a wealthy (ish, I could afford a private lactation consultant), educated (I worked in the same blinking system!!), white (meaning my maternity outcomes were more than 5 times better than my black counterpart) person, could end up on a safeguarding pathway after 5 days, how does this system work for anyone? Where is the support for new mothers? Where is the trust? I was able to speak to a senior manager the next day, and many apologies were given. However, the questions remained. It wasn’t about me at that point, it was a wider issue.

Luckily, I have certain personality traits, experiences and external support that meant I was relatively unscathed by this early experience of motherhood. And I wonder if it was, in a strange way, rather helpful for me, as focusing on changing the system was/ is what I know. 

After an otherwise blissful first year, I returned to work. Suddenly, and very unexpectedly, this is when I started to struggle more. I no longer know where I fit. I have been sidelined. I’m lonely. What do I want now? What’s important to me? I can’t make decisions in the same way I used to, as it’s not just me I’m making decisions for. 

I have searched for connection, I’ve read countless articles written by women, describing the same issues. The issues of motherhood and womanhood, in a society which focuses on the individual, rather than the collective. All these writings identify the need for community (and I think some explicitly talk about Maggie and Mothers Uncovered). We need community, we need to belong, and feel heard, supported and valued. 

I am lucky, I can (typically) regard my experience rather philosophically. If nothing else, knowing it to be true that these feelings, this experience (good, bad or ugly) is only temporary. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to grow my community, be part of something, be part of a change.